What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 09:03
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was seconnd youngest,
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Is it legal for an employer to ask why you are taking time off from work?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was very sick at this time too.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im still living with it.
One cannot live in the past .
Can you provide some examples of music with a free form structure?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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Ive learnt so much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I don,t even have a pension.
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She was in good health!
I write beautiful poetry .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Comes on , in middle age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When she asked me how she looked .
I will be 64.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She loved him until the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But, we were locked up after school.
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is soul school!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He knew the spot.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I have no regrets .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I think the readers, may guess!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was 9 years of age.
I said to her
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I waited trembling.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Especially a lifetime of it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it wasn’t much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i lived it daily.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It was going to be , some day.
I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
What did i know ?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So, i spoilt her more .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was writing from the time i was a small child.